This is my way of admitting that I am unhappy. Now, maybe its my generally positive mindset, but I hate to call myself “unhappy,” so I figured the best description of my current state was “overwhelmingly underwhelmed.” Hmm…or maybe I’m overwhelmingly overwhelmed…I’m not really sure, I just confused myself. Let me explain…
This time a year ago, I could not believe that I was still at my job making little to no money. I felt like I was falling behind my peers and all I needed was a new “big girl job.” Now, here I am a year later with my “big girl job,” great right?!…Not so much, the thing is, working from 9-3, 10 minutes away from my house, with people I liked made me happy. Sure, I make over double my last salary, but I work way more, I live way further, and I can’t help but feel like I don’t really belong here. I realized the other day that money does not motivate me. I thought that money would make me happy, but it really doesn’t. Problem one.
Problem two….Two years ago, I had all the friends I needed. I had people who understood me, who I could be myself with, people who made me laugh, people who felt like family. Now, I have moved across the country to a place where I just don’t connect with people the same way. I have made attempts to reconnect with old friends but look…old friends are old friends for a reason. Our lives are moving in such different directions that finding common ground takes way more than effort…and I just don’t have that effort in me. Maybe I should make new friends. Do you know how hard it is to make new friends as a “grown woman?” Well, for me it seems impossible. I guess I have made a few…but none that I can be as close as I’d hoped I could be with. See, I’m a best friend kind of girl. I like to have one friend that is like a sister to me…and lately, finding that has been impossible. What does this mean? This means that when I’m going through something, I have no one to talk to. When I’m interested in trying something new, I have no one to do that with. When I have an issue that I need advice on, I have no one to ask….no one that I trust. As much as I’d love to say the opposite, we just all need friends.
Problem 3. Two years ago I was in LOVE. Head over heels OMG YOU ARE PERFECT love….with someone who was not in love with me….at least not in any way that was tangible. I had to move away from the person I loved and what did he do but get back with an old girl. Well….this left me bitter….worse than bitter…broken, insecure, distrustful, angry, sad….you name it, I felt it. I still do. Not only do I make a conscious decision to not insert myself in his life on a daily basis, but I’ve also consciously pushed other men away, and made them pay (by being too guarded) for the baggage he left me with. My love life is currently hopeless, and every time I start to think there is hope with someone, it ends before it starts because I didn’t put out quick enough ( woah, sorry…didn’t know a week was too long to tolerate just my personality lol). The men I talk to seem to think I owe them sex after a few brief conversations…no can do, buddy.
These are my issues…and yes, in the grand scheme of things, they are minor…but really, what makes your average person happy besides having a good job, being surrounded by loving friends, and building a relationship with the love of your life? I’d say not much. I am overwhelmingly underwhelmed with my current situation. And this blog WILL NOT be about my journey to happiness (although it may be about my failed attempts at happiness) …it will just be about me and these major issues in my life which I believe are major focus point in the lives of many. I encourage you to join me on this unknown journey, and comment, and think, and give me something to think about! Lets talk, lets share ideas! 🙂